Pack Your BagsI'm a busy body. A very busy body. I find great satisfaction in keeping my hands moving. While I was packing for the hospital, I was nervous I would get bored. After all, what would I do all day for three days in the hospital...you know, besides deliver a baby? I packed a reading book, scriptures, the Ensign, thank you cards to write, and my journal. Certainly with a bag packed full of--not clothes--stuff to do, I would be perfectly content. Little did I know that staring at a baby, my baby, would be more satisfying than I ever realized it could be. Needless to say, I did not read or write anything. I sat. I stared. I cried. I fell in love.
The First 48 Hours
When Brendon placed our baby in my arms, I sat there looking at Henry and the tears flowed. I cry as I write, remembering that feeling of great joy and love for this beautiful boy. But it was more than a bond between just me and the baby; it was a family bond: Brendon, me, and our baby, Henry. Together.
The nurses and doctors were phenomenal. I couldn't have asked for a better group of people to be by my side during a life-changing event. My favorite part about the hospital was the red button. Whenever I needed my water jug filled, medicine, a question to be answered...anything...I pushed the red button and someone would be at my beckon call within a minute. It was wonderful.
As I sat, stared, cried, and fell in love, I had the realization that I am so grateful for my role of wife, mother, bearer of the child. I would much rather carry a child for nine months and experience labor than be the husband, father, provider of the family. Brendon spent a lot of time with me and Henry, but tried to keep on top of studying as much as possible. It was hard for him to leave and we hated to see him go. I'm so glad I am the one who gets to be with Henry all day, every day. Fortunately, Brendon is grateful for his role as well.
A Deeper Relationship
Brendon has been incredible throughout the pregnancy, delivery, and this past week of a new life at home. In the days leading up to delivery, I was...a basket case. I experienced anxiety like never before. My eyes were a river. I was scared of the unknown, petrified of what could possibly go wrong during delivery, and horrified at the thought that I really had no idea how much my life was going to change. Would I ever be the same person? Would I really be okay staying at home? Would I get bored? Would I experience postpartum depression? Many of these questions remain unanswered, but I'm not a basket case anymore. I have Brendon.
Brendon is the Best: Story #1
Monday, March 1st, I sent a text to Brendon at school, requesting he come home. I needed him. I lay on our bed, sobbing, feeling so scared. Brendon came home right away and hugged me, listened to me, and spoke words of comfort to me. He re assured me that it was okay to be feeling this way. Indeed, it was an unknown future ahead, but everything would would work out.
Comforted by Brendon's words, but still feeling fear, I received a priesthood blessing for comfort the following night. Feelings of comfort didn't overwhelm me immediately as I had expected; rather, on the morning of March 3rd, my feelings of fear were replaced with the feeling of great peace.
Brendon is the Best: Story #2I have known from the time that Brendon and I were dating that he was good with children. I remember watching him interact with his cousin who was three at the time, playing and laughing with him. I made a mental note at that time that he would be a great father.
Over the past Christmas we spent in California, I saw Brendon take every opportunity to play with the four new nieces and nephew we had yet to meet. I knew Brendon likes children, but I didn't realize he was willing to s pend so much time with children, taking every opportunity to love them.
I have loved even more to watch Brendon with our son. He loves staring at him, playing with him, and mimicking him (which is hilarious, by the way). He can't wait to be done with finals to be with Henry all day. I just love Brendon for the wonderful father he is.
Brendon is the Best: Story #3
Brendon has a busy schedule this week full of studying for finals. No matter how busy school gets, Brendon is so good about making time for me. Certainly finals may be a good excuse to let the house go. But Brendon knows I can't stand an unclean home. And since I am still recouping and trying to figure out a schedule with Henry, Brendon has taken it upon himself to go above and beyond. He has been so helpful around the house, making sure to do the dishes every night, keep laundry going, and even offering to stay up with Henry. I am one who receives love through service and Brendon has definitely hit a spot with me this week. I appreciate him so much.
Going Home
As the nurse gave me instructions on breast feeding, bathing, and other essential information to take care of a baby, I had an "I want my mommy" moment. I wasn't sure that I could do everything.
The first night, I was told from the nurse, would be a rough night. Boy, was she right. We were up every hour, feeding a total of 20 minutes each time. I was very frustrated. I got out the binkie and my little man loves it! Yes, one night home and he used a binkie. Judge me if you may, but I'm a total fan of the paci. I was at my wits end, laying in bed with my hand over the pack n' play holding the binkie in Henry's mouth. Brendon realized I was frustrated and took over for a little while. We survived the night with next to no sleep.
My mom called me the next day and I cried to her. I was upset and I only had a total of 10-13 hours of sleep over the past three days (no...I did not get a lot of sleep at the hospital). But everything has gotten better since then. Henry is a champ: he eats well, sleeps well, and is oh, so patient with a mom who is learning so much so quickly. I adore him! I wish I could freeze time. Every stage is fun, I know, but this is unlike anything. I love my baby Henry!
God is Love
The most profound thought I've had over the past couple of days is about this earth life and the experiences we encounter. It is my belief that every experience we have is to help us become like God. What is God? In one word, God is love. Plain and simple.
I recently came across the following quote:
“One’s life…cannot be both faith-filled and stress-free….
“Therefore, how can you and I really expect to glide naively through life, as if to say, ‘Lord, give me experience, but not grief, not sorrow, not pain, not opposition, not betrayal, and certainly not to be forsaken. Keep from me, Lord, all those experiences which made Thee what Thou art! Then let me come and dwell with Thee and fully share Thy joy!’
“Real faith…is required to endure this necessary but painful developmental process.”
(Elder Neal A Maxwell, “Lest Ye Be Wearied and Faint in Your Minds,” Ensign, May 1991, 88, 90.)
We are on earth to become like God. We become more like Him through the oppositions we face, the trials we endure (not necessarily conquer), and the experiences we have, both happy and sad.
It seems like the highest highs and the lowest lows I experience help me come to a greater understanding of God's love. There are moments in between the highest highs and lowest lows, too, but the highs and lows seem to stand out most in my mind as the time when His love is most overwhelming.
During moments of great challenges, I have felt the power of His love to help soothe and calm me in a way that no human being can. And the moments of great joy (like the birth of Henry), I am also overwhelmed with His love. What I'm trying to say is this: every experience we encounter is to help us become like God, thus to increase our love. Our love grows for ourselves, for others, and for the Being who is the source of that love. The oppositions we face, trials we endure, and experiences we encounter help us become more like him: a being full of love.
When I got married, my love grew more than I ever thought possible. My love grew with each moment Brendon and I spent together before we were married and it continues to grow to this day. It amazes me how much our love continues to grow. Now, I am experiencing a new dimension of love: the love of a child of my very own. It is really amazing. And, what is so incredible to me is that the love I have experienced for this child does not only resonate with my child, but for other people as well, especially my husband. Where we learn to love more fully through one experience, our love increases for others, too.
I have, what I call, "earth-life-is-so-cool" moments. This has definitely been one of them.
